Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
