I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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