im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
