How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
