I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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