I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
