Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
