I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my sisters under your porch take her home
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
