Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
