Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
