I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
