hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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