i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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