I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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