hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It was confusing and full of hummus
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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