It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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