Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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