yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
