I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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