you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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