I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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