Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
