dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
