I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
