apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
