Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
