sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
