I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
