U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
accomplished twins. life is a go
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
