Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
