If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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