My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
