The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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