I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
