Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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