FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize