I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
