Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
