When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
