My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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