If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
