Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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