if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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