my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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