So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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