did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
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