happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
