he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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