at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
