she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
