I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
