why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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