All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
pray to the hookup gods
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
